Thursday, January 8, 2015

Sweet Disposition

Let me tell you, things have been going downhill for so long I started to think of it all as normal. I didn't have a job for awhile, I was always sick because quitting smoking is a lot harder than I anticipated it to be. My relationship with my family was just downright depressing and I was really lost. I didn't know what to do with myself--I just busied myself with my social life, partying, having fun, and forgetting I was even in high school. However, on the last weekend of winter break, I finally was able to recognize how low I hit. My grades were dropping, I was barely submitting college applications on time, and showered maybe once every two days. I was a wreck. I am a wreck. But I'm stepping up, again. And this time, I can definitely see what is in my future and I know I'm going to finally be able to tell everyone, "I beat them." 

You know I've never let people really bring me down. If someone tells me I'm not going to make it, I brush them off to the side. I cut ties with people that send me so much negative energy. But when it gets to the point that people tell me I'm not going to make it, with worry and sadness in their faces, it really hits me. I realized today especially, that I'm actually worrying people. I'm worrying my friends, my family, my teachers. Is this really what I've become? 

I'm sure there are many others that have been in my position, have been on both sides maybe. It's just so sad because I have honestly worked so hard for where I want to go in life. I've buckled down and cut ties with most of my friends purely for the sake of my schoolwork and my future. Why can't I do it now? Part of me reasons it's because most of my close friends now have graduated high school--they remind me so much of the freedom that I yearn for, telling me it's so close, it's right there. But the other half of me says, Hey, isn't that a distraction? Shouldn't you at least lessen your time with them so you can actually make it to that point? I was having such a hard time doing so--these people made me feel alive again, made me feel loved and appreciated, even if that isn't what it really is at all. But one thing I do know is that they support me, and I know they will understand if I spend way less time with them. Every decision I make now weighs very heavily on my future--one screw-up and I'm done for. Is that really what I have worked so hard for all of my life? To waste it all, and just go nowhere? 

My serious advice to everyone is that you MUST learn to recognize all of those negative energies in your life and find a way to cut ties with them as long as you're absolutely benefiting yourself. Do not let a single soul tell you you won't make it to where you're dying to be. I realized I hit rock bottom when I was kicked out--I realized, Wow, I'm kind of alone right now. I need a job. I need to actually go to school and go to college. And that's what I'm doing. I have my job back, I'm working better already to do well in school, and I just now told a friend I couldn't hang out with her tonight because I had school in the morning and needed to do some work. I graduate in less than six months. I'm almost completely out of Lynchburg and ready to live my life to the fullest.

And you know what, yeah, high school is pretty stupid. You're there to learn a lot of things you won't find useful in the future, you make friends you'll never speak to again once you're graduated, and you take such an emotional beating that just getting out of bed to face the day becomes hard. But, a lot of those subjects you learn help you become more well-rounded and widen your horizons on certain tastes, those friends help you develop into the individual you later become, and the emotional beating teaches you many fine lessons about life. High school is silly, but important, and I'm not happy with myself for taking it for granted as much as I did. I remember I used to almost enjoy high school until my senior year. I guess senioritis really is a real thing. But we all eventually get through it, and it really does benefit us all.

So please, take my advice if you're in my position. As much fun as partying and not attending school is, you need it. And also, you need to believe in yourself, and make sure that others believe in you as well. But if they don't, that gives you all the more reason to persevere your dreams and show them that you're better. You must dispose of all negative energies and try to be happy, and as hard as it can be sometimes, you can definitely do it. Dispose of bad decisions and actions, of bad people, and you're own disheartening thoughts and words towards of yourself. All of this will eventually give you the chance to finally find your happiness and pursue everything you dream of becoming. 

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