Sweet Disposition

Let me tell you, things have been going downhill for so long I started to think of it all as normal. I didn't have a job for awhile, I was always sick because quitting smoking is a lot harder than I anticipated it to be. My relationship with my family was just downright depressing and I was really lost. I didn't know what to do with myself--I just busied myself with my social life, partying, having fun, and forgetting I was even in high school. However, on the last weekend of winter break, I finally was able to recognize how low I hit. My grades were dropping, I was barely submitting college applications on time, and showered maybe once every two days. I was a wreck. I am a wreck. But I'm stepping up, again. And this time, I can definitely see what is in my future and I know I'm going to finally be able to tell everyone, "I beat them." 

You know I've never let people really bring me down. If someone tells me I'm not going to make it, I brush them off to the side. I cut ties with people that send me so much negative energy. But when it gets to the point that people tell me I'm not going to make it, with worry and sadness in their faces, it really hits me. I realized today especially, that I'm actually worrying people. I'm worrying my friends, my family, my teachers. Is this really what I've become? 

I'm sure there are many others that have been in my position, have been on both sides maybe. It's just so sad because I have honestly worked so hard for where I want to go in life. I've buckled down and cut ties with most of my friends purely for the sake of my schoolwork and my future. Why can't I do it now? Part of me reasons it's because most of my close friends now have graduated high school--they remind me so much of the freedom that I yearn for, telling me it's so close, it's right there. But the other half of me says, Hey, isn't that a distraction? Shouldn't you at least lessen your time with them so you can actually make it to that point? I was having such a hard time doing so--these people made me feel alive again, made me feel loved and appreciated, even if that isn't what it really is at all. But one thing I do know is that they support me, and I know they will understand if I spend way less time with them. Every decision I make now weighs very heavily on my future--one screw-up and I'm done for. Is that really what I have worked so hard for all of my life? To waste it all, and just go nowhere? 

My serious advice to everyone is that you MUST learn to recognize all of those negative energies in your life and find a way to cut ties with them as long as you're absolutely benefiting yourself. Do not let a single soul tell you you won't make it to where you're dying to be. I realized I hit rock bottom when I was kicked out--I realized, Wow, I'm kind of alone right now. I need a job. I need to actually go to school and go to college. And that's what I'm doing. I have my job back, I'm working better already to do well in school, and I just now told a friend I couldn't hang out with her tonight because I had school in the morning and needed to do some work. I graduate in less than six months. I'm almost completely out of Lynchburg and ready to live my life to the fullest.

And you know what, yeah, high school is pretty stupid. You're there to learn a lot of things you won't find useful in the future, you make friends you'll never speak to again once you're graduated, and you take such an emotional beating that just getting out of bed to face the day becomes hard. But, a lot of those subjects you learn help you become more well-rounded and widen your horizons on certain tastes, those friends help you develop into the individual you later become, and the emotional beating teaches you many fine lessons about life. High school is silly, but important, and I'm not happy with myself for taking it for granted as much as I did. I remember I used to almost enjoy high school until my senior year. I guess senioritis really is a real thing. But we all eventually get through it, and it really does benefit us all.

So please, take my advice if you're in my position. As much fun as partying and not attending school is, you need it. And also, you need to believe in yourself, and make sure that others believe in you as well. But if they don't, that gives you all the more reason to persevere your dreams and show them that you're better. You must dispose of all negative energies and try to be happy, and as hard as it can be sometimes, you can definitely do it. Dispose of bad decisions and actions, of bad people, and you're own disheartening thoughts and words towards of yourself. All of this will eventually give you the chance to finally find your happiness and pursue everything you dream of becoming. 

Winter Song

This post will just be a reminder to those whose moods are up and down with oncoming fall and winter. I experience it myself, and so I'm writing this to those who need that reminder every once in a while that things will get better and to just always look on the bright side. 

~

Lately, things have been really weird. Really lonely. And it doesn't make any sense--I'm with friends all of the time, I've met new, wonderful people that make me feel appreciated again, and my financial situation isn't as terribly stressful as it was before. 

But I haven't been sleeping, sometimes I go days without. Some days I binge eat, and others I can't even look at food. Some days I wake up just knowing it's going to be a great day, and others I wake up and have to force myself to face everything. I'm not sure if this is my reaction to all of the stress I've been attempting to put up with, or just the cold, bitter winter putting a downer on my mood. I'm excited for Halloween and winter break and the new fashion lines coming in. I'm excited to see one of my favorite bands for the third year in a row and (hopefully) the Black Keys in December. I'm really excited to turn 18 in a month. And I'm especially stoked to finally go off to college in California and just live. 

But it's so hard to wait. It's almost painful. Patience is a virtue that should be given more credit by those who have it, because it is just not something I have and I really wish I did. I try so hard to just sit and occupy myself with whatever silly hobbies just until my birthday, or really even just my paycheck. Is it this hard for everyone?

As I'm sure many can relate, all of this confusion and muddle is just something that comes along  with every winter. Sure, it's been more present lately, and has affected my habits in more than one way, but I know things are going to start looking up really soon. Or maybe it'll be like that Doors song: "Well, I've been down so very damned long, that it looks like up to me." Kind of morbid, but hey, if it looks like an up, then treat it like an up and be a little more optimistic. It really can't hurt you at all to do so.

So try to give yourself a break and look on the brighter side. Whether it be a harder drive to work and study or exercise, or maybe to just try and find a little more positivity in your life wherever you can find it, try not to let yourself down. It's important to maintain that balance of neutrality, but even more important to let the more positive side influence your goals and ideals and attitudes. It is this side that leads you to that better place and helps you get through the day. I already know that although I won't be sleeping tonight, I'm going to work really hard and get what I need to get done tomorrow and try to work myself through this negativity I've been experiencing lately. Once you recognize it, you can get through it. 

So I hope this helps a little as a reminder for this upcoming winter. I appreciate the time you have put into reading this, and remember the balance. 

Standing Up for Yourself

Recently someone (actually it was the girl I talked about in my "You've Got a Friend in Me" post) told me that I was very hypocritical for advocating pacifism and stopping wars and yet telling my friends that I hated her. Because apparently since I hate her I'm obviously the most pessimistic, hateful misanthrope anyone has ever come across (unfortunately when people say that sort of thing to me I become very sarcastic). Apparently I'm really negative because God forbid I get a bad grade I'm supposed to be enthusiastic about it? When I first responded to her I was very calm and mature. But after a couple of days of thinking over the fact that she had the nerve to tell me I was hypocrite really got to me; so I kind of released all of my tension and said all I had to say to her.

Now I understand that may seem immature. But I did it in order to defend myself and my character. When someone tells you that you're a hypocrite or a terrible person when you know you're not, that person just can't expect you to take the hit and be okay. You have to defend yourself. I find it terrible when people do that because then it makes me really negative and I feel like I have to shoot back condescending words. Obviously it's not like I cuss at someone for telling me something degrading because that's kind of unnecessary. But you get the point.

When someone tries to tell you who you are, don't listen to them, and try your very hardest not to handle it really immaturely. Don't call them names and try not to yell (I completely understand how hard that can be, though, believe me). Just defend yourself and your name because no one deserves that. Unless it's really bad. I know it sucks that people feel like they have that right and all... and I mean, they technically do if you think about it in a political sense, but it doesn't mean that it's okay. And that's what bothers me the most. Honestly I felt like I had the right to tell that girl she wasn't a good person because she made me believe she was someone I could rely on for three years and that she actually cared about me. I felt I had the right to tell her that because she told me her brother (who I was absolutely crazy about for a very, very long time) used me, but it was "okay because he uses everyone," (what's funny is that she set us up so apparently she knew that?). I felt that it was completely okay to tell her she wasn't good  because I knew her extremely well (but apparently not well enough) and understood how she really thought about everything. And when it's a situation like that, I personally believe that you can tell that awful person in your life that they're not good and that they don't deserve your friendship. 

Stand up for yourself and never let people get the best of you. You know yourself better than anyone. Just remember not to take it too personally and don't let it get to your head. As shown by this post, I obviously let it get to my head. As long as you know you're a good enough person to understand this, it just shows how much more mature and laid back you are, and will surely get you farther than all of those other people. Always defend yourself.

You've Got a Friend in Me

From what I've experienced lately, finding out that someone you have cared dearly for and appreciated has actually pretended to be your friend is overwhelmingly disheartening. Especially in high school, friendships are a crucial part of life; they're what help you get through your troubles when you have no one to turn to and you just can't go to your family for. But they're not forever, and that's a fact.

On New Years' Eve, I found out that one of my closest friends of three years and also my neighbor only considers us "friends because we're neighbors." When I heard that, I was absolutely shocked. Someone who I had cared for dearly, someone who I had spent time with constantly, someone who I had appreciated and a friendship that I put so much effort into because I adored her; it all meant absolutely nothing to her. Surprisingly, though, I wasn't really upset. I just felt betrayed and embarrassed because she completely fooled me into believing she was a good friend.

Ever since, I've been happier. Weird, right? But I've been happy because it helped me realize who my true friends are and that not everyone deserves my unconditional love, care, and appreciation like I originally thought. Truthfully, it's hard to find someone and be able to have the chance of being friends with them for so long. Let's face it, life isn't all that short, it's long as all get out. 

One person you will always have no matter what--and no, it's not your mother--is yourself. You will always be your own best friend because you know how to make yourself happy when you're down and you know what's best for you, despite what people like to believe. Sometimes, even telling stories to yourself in the mirror is a totally reasonable way to vent out your emotions; you can't embarrass yourself in front of yourself and you can't be weirded out and choose not to hang out with yourself anymore.

I know this sounds crazy, but it's completely true. It's just always good to understand that when you feel like the whole world is against you and you have no one to turn to--you always have yourself. And eventually, those beautiful, ever-lasting friendships will develop and you'll be happier than ever. Just make sure that you're not wasting your precious energy, love, effort, and time to those who don't deserve someone as beautiful and wonderful as you are. 

Cleaning is Happiness

Today was cleaning day in my house. And when I say cleaning day, I mean thoroughly clean one room and save the rest for another day. That's one of the main problems here--none of us want to clean the whole house. It's quite a bit of a workout; you're sweating from all the mopping and wiping down, your hands smell intensely of bleach and soap, and carrying that laundry basket of dirty clothes over a span of a month up and down the stairs will really wear you out. But there are a lot of advantages that come out of this.

First off, your house looks at least presentable. I'm usually embarrassed to have people over because our house never seems to get rid of the smell from last night's dinner and our bathroom has my brother's disgusting towels all over the floor. But when your house is neat and inviting, you really get that homely, cozy-fire kind of feeling, and it's great. Second off, a healthy home means a healthy and happy family. You can't expect to be happy in a room you can barely walk in or smells of feet. And it's hard to spend time with family--sometimes when we're playing board games, I'll see a stain on the table or my hand will touch a few crumbs and I go crazy. My reaction to uncleanliness as simple as that creates a bad reaction from my family, putting all of us in a bad mood. And third off, when I clean, it's such a good way to release all of my negative energy. I remember when I was watching a really sad episode of Glee (The one that was about Finn's death--could not even handle it), I was crying so much I didn't know what else to do but clean. And once I finished I had felt a lot better. I was happier because I was in a healthier environment and all of my negative energy had been released.

So never procrastinate on cleaning. It's better to set a schedule and to assign certain people to certain things. It isn't fun cleaning everyone else's messes all the time, so a chart is perfect. Just make sure you're cleaning because you want to, not because you feel like you have to. Cleaning doesn't exactly sound like running through daisies, but you'd be surprised. I personally enjoy it now that I've actually been doing it because I want to. Always remember that a healthy home makes for a healthy and happy family, one of the most important things there is.