Sweet Disposition

Let me tell you, things have been going downhill for so long I started to think of it all as normal. I didn't have a job for awhile, I was always sick because quitting smoking is a lot harder than I anticipated it to be. My relationship with my family was just downright depressing and I was really lost. I didn't know what to do with myself--I just busied myself with my social life, partying, having fun, and forgetting I was even in high school. However, on the last weekend of winter break, I finally was able to recognize how low I hit. My grades were dropping, I was barely submitting college applications on time, and showered maybe once every two days. I was a wreck. I am a wreck. But I'm stepping up, again. And this time, I can definitely see what is in my future and I know I'm going to finally be able to tell everyone, "I beat them." 

You know I've never let people really bring me down. If someone tells me I'm not going to make it, I brush them off to the side. I cut ties with people that send me so much negative energy. But when it gets to the point that people tell me I'm not going to make it, with worry and sadness in their faces, it really hits me. I realized today especially, that I'm actually worrying people. I'm worrying my friends, my family, my teachers. Is this really what I've become? 

I'm sure there are many others that have been in my position, have been on both sides maybe. It's just so sad because I have honestly worked so hard for where I want to go in life. I've buckled down and cut ties with most of my friends purely for the sake of my schoolwork and my future. Why can't I do it now? Part of me reasons it's because most of my close friends now have graduated high school--they remind me so much of the freedom that I yearn for, telling me it's so close, it's right there. But the other half of me says, Hey, isn't that a distraction? Shouldn't you at least lessen your time with them so you can actually make it to that point? I was having such a hard time doing so--these people made me feel alive again, made me feel loved and appreciated, even if that isn't what it really is at all. But one thing I do know is that they support me, and I know they will understand if I spend way less time with them. Every decision I make now weighs very heavily on my future--one screw-up and I'm done for. Is that really what I have worked so hard for all of my life? To waste it all, and just go nowhere? 

My serious advice to everyone is that you MUST learn to recognize all of those negative energies in your life and find a way to cut ties with them as long as you're absolutely benefiting yourself. Do not let a single soul tell you you won't make it to where you're dying to be. I realized I hit rock bottom when I was kicked out--I realized, Wow, I'm kind of alone right now. I need a job. I need to actually go to school and go to college. And that's what I'm doing. I have my job back, I'm working better already to do well in school, and I just now told a friend I couldn't hang out with her tonight because I had school in the morning and needed to do some work. I graduate in less than six months. I'm almost completely out of Lynchburg and ready to live my life to the fullest.

And you know what, yeah, high school is pretty stupid. You're there to learn a lot of things you won't find useful in the future, you make friends you'll never speak to again once you're graduated, and you take such an emotional beating that just getting out of bed to face the day becomes hard. But, a lot of those subjects you learn help you become more well-rounded and widen your horizons on certain tastes, those friends help you develop into the individual you later become, and the emotional beating teaches you many fine lessons about life. High school is silly, but important, and I'm not happy with myself for taking it for granted as much as I did. I remember I used to almost enjoy high school until my senior year. I guess senioritis really is a real thing. But we all eventually get through it, and it really does benefit us all.

So please, take my advice if you're in my position. As much fun as partying and not attending school is, you need it. And also, you need to believe in yourself, and make sure that others believe in you as well. But if they don't, that gives you all the more reason to persevere your dreams and show them that you're better. You must dispose of all negative energies and try to be happy, and as hard as it can be sometimes, you can definitely do it. Dispose of bad decisions and actions, of bad people, and you're own disheartening thoughts and words towards of yourself. All of this will eventually give you the chance to finally find your happiness and pursue everything you dream of becoming. 

Girl in a Glass Dress

First I want to apologize for not posting anything in a while--I've had a lot going on and it's been pretty overwhelming. Also, I just haven't had a clue as to what to post. Sure I've had lots to say, but I also don't want to waste anyone's time by posting something that isn't really valuable or helpful.

Get comfortable ladies and gentleman, because this is going to be a long post.

Lately, even more than before, I've come to realize that I don't have many friends. I don't really have anyone I can trust, my "closest" friends judge me worse than strangers, and no matter what I do right, one wrong will set everyone to explode. It doesn't seem right to me at all. 

Last summer in early July, my best friend of several years and who was apparently in love with me for all of those years betrayed me. He ruined my relationships with the only people I cared for at the time, he ruined my trust, and he ruined my reputation. After not seeing or communicating with him for eight months, one night I saw him and I was overwhelmed with emotion and memories and unfortunately I mistook this for love. So even after what he did to me, I let him back in. And it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Since then, I have refused to talk to him because I know that if I open my mouth, I'll say something rude, demeaning, but very true. Now, that group of friends hate me because I'm apparently being a jerk. One of them I've been friends with for years and now he barely talks to me. Even one of their moms, who I adored, is disappointed in me all because I won't say bye to him? How does this make sense? If you ask me, I'm taking the mature route so I don't make the situation messy. But apparently, that's not right. Apparently, I'm a bad person. Needless to say, I've decided they're not good people for me and have officially ended whatever "friendships" those were.

People take their friends for granted. No matter what you do for them, they will always turn their back on you when you need them most. I don't mean to be depressing and pessimistic, I'm just being completely honest. Don't fool yourself into believing that everyone you care for, cares for you as well. That was my mistake. However, I do have some friends that are perfect angels to me and treat me incredibly well. We have a balanced friendship. And I have never appreciated people more in my life than those who remind me that things are okay and things are going to get better. Because they always get better.

I tell myself every day, "Good things come to good people." No matter how rough the going is, it's going to eventually smooth out and when you look outside the window, all you will see is opportunity and happiness. Lame, right? But it's what helps me get through whatever down feelings I'm having. I know that abandoning all of my unhealthy relationships and focusing on myself and school will lead  me where I want to go. I'm hoping I'll soon have a job so I can start taking care of my own responsibilities instead of my dad having to worry about them,  because that's not his job. I want to start putting myself out there like I've always imagined and tell the world who Chelsea Dale is and that I don't care if they care or not. It's time for me.

That's my advice to everyone. Please don't waste your time with people you care for who never return that love and appreciation you dote out without thinking first. Those attributes and virtues are precious and should be saved for those who care about you most, not those who you want to care for you. And focus on you. You are the single most important human being in your life. You are the one who will decide your fate and lead yourself to where you want to go. Stop worrying about what other people think; it's only your thoughts and opinions that matter. However, don't get carried away with this virtue and become overwhelmingly egotistical; things will not turn out all that well. Just always remember that you come first. Then after that, give those close, beautiful friends your love and appreciation, because you'll be a lot happier giving much and taking little. It's a really great feeling.

So, I suppose this post wasn't all that long and I really hope I didn't waste any of you all's time. Just know that I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to read this, it means a lot lot lot to me. I hope everyone has a wonderful Spring!

Standing Up for Yourself

Recently someone (actually it was the girl I talked about in my "You've Got a Friend in Me" post) told me that I was very hypocritical for advocating pacifism and stopping wars and yet telling my friends that I hated her. Because apparently since I hate her I'm obviously the most pessimistic, hateful misanthrope anyone has ever come across (unfortunately when people say that sort of thing to me I become very sarcastic). Apparently I'm really negative because God forbid I get a bad grade I'm supposed to be enthusiastic about it? When I first responded to her I was very calm and mature. But after a couple of days of thinking over the fact that she had the nerve to tell me I was hypocrite really got to me; so I kind of released all of my tension and said all I had to say to her.

Now I understand that may seem immature. But I did it in order to defend myself and my character. When someone tells you that you're a hypocrite or a terrible person when you know you're not, that person just can't expect you to take the hit and be okay. You have to defend yourself. I find it terrible when people do that because then it makes me really negative and I feel like I have to shoot back condescending words. Obviously it's not like I cuss at someone for telling me something degrading because that's kind of unnecessary. But you get the point.

When someone tries to tell you who you are, don't listen to them, and try your very hardest not to handle it really immaturely. Don't call them names and try not to yell (I completely understand how hard that can be, though, believe me). Just defend yourself and your name because no one deserves that. Unless it's really bad. I know it sucks that people feel like they have that right and all... and I mean, they technically do if you think about it in a political sense, but it doesn't mean that it's okay. And that's what bothers me the most. Honestly I felt like I had the right to tell that girl she wasn't a good person because she made me believe she was someone I could rely on for three years and that she actually cared about me. I felt I had the right to tell her that because she told me her brother (who I was absolutely crazy about for a very, very long time) used me, but it was "okay because he uses everyone," (what's funny is that she set us up so apparently she knew that?). I felt that it was completely okay to tell her she wasn't good  because I knew her extremely well (but apparently not well enough) and understood how she really thought about everything. And when it's a situation like that, I personally believe that you can tell that awful person in your life that they're not good and that they don't deserve your friendship. 

Stand up for yourself and never let people get the best of you. You know yourself better than anyone. Just remember not to take it too personally and don't let it get to your head. As shown by this post, I obviously let it get to my head. As long as you know you're a good enough person to understand this, it just shows how much more mature and laid back you are, and will surely get you farther than all of those other people. Always defend yourself.

New Year Attitude

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Usually every end of the year, we all make our resolutions and our decisions to help better ourselves and become happier with our lives. We develop a more positive attitude about our futures and all the terrific outcomes that can come if we actually go through with our resolutions--which, from personal experiences, doesn't always work out.

What I've noticed lately is that a lot of people I know have been really negative about the upcoming new year. They make fun of those who say "New year, new me," and call BS. Personally, I don't understand all the negativity shot at those who actually want to make a change for themselves and others around them. First off, it's unnecessary. Let them do what they want. Second off, it's hurtful and can dim down confidence. When I heard my own friends say it, I was offended for myself and for others and I almost decided to not make a change for myself but maybe wait a little while. Now, while writing this, a change at the beginning of the new year is the perfect place to start. 

Change is usually a good thing, but it can be scary. It's hard to adjust to new circumstances when you've been used to the same situations for maybe even a lifetime. But, for the most part, it's totally worth it. Making yourself and others around you happy is the ultimate beneficial change you can commit to and it will shine so much light on your perspective of just about anything. What's so bad about that? 

Unfortunately, there are more things that will make it harder for change than easier. It's hard to try to start eating healthier with more vegetables and fruits when you either can't afford the groceries or your family just plain hates vegetables. It's hard to try to lose weight when you can't stop yourself from eating all of those peanut butter M&M's. And it's hard to be happy when it seems like the whole world prefers you unhappy. No one deserves these hardships, but no matter what the circumstances, they're going to be thrown at you. And truthfully, to be cliche, they make you less susceptible to the hardships you'll no doubt face in the future. 

So as the new year draws in, go ahead and set that standard for yourself and become the person you want to be. Don't worry about what others say about it, and if they call BS on you--well, just know you're better than that. Learn to love yourself this new year and help yourself be truly happy with your life and your person. 

Breaking Out of Your Shell

I think one of the things that affected me the most was being too scared to do something different. To break out of my shell and have fun, have some (positive) experiences, get involved in new (legal) activities. This was something that stopped me from doing a lot of things I wish I had done when I had the chance. 

Personally, I believe that people don't do a lot of things they want to do because they're worried about what people will think, or how silly they'll look. I know a lot of people won't try out for a sports team because they feel like those who have been on it all of high school and playing for years will look down on them and judge them. Some may not want to reveal that they can sing because all their lives they've been pretending they can't, leaving people to believe they're god-awful.

Is that really how people want to live their lives?

I know from personal experiences that breaking out of my shell has left me feeling great and with such a positive attitude. I've met new people, I've had my perspective on a lot of situations altered, and now I'm writing a blog that I'm (still) worried will never make much of a difference to anyone--but it makes me happy. In fact a couple weeks ago, I gave someone from one of the other ACE teams my school competes against my number for the very first time in my life. Sure, it didn't go anywhere with him, but now I have the confidence to make such a move. Yes, that's a pretty bad example of bursting the bubble, but my confidence, self-esteem, and attitude have been upped and that always makes a difference. 

So break out of your shell, even if it's just for once. Ask that girl out, try out for that sports team, audition for that talent show--show the world what you're really made of and don't be worried about what they'll think, because in the end, it's only what you think that matters. Just be wise in your decisions.

Embarrassment and Shame

I think it's safe to say that everyone is embarrassed or ashamed of something at least once in his or her lifetime. Today I was ashamed that I thought Hobber painted Nighthawks instead of Hopper at my ACE competition. But feeling embarrassed or ashamed of yourself, or anyone for that matter, is something that will never have a positive effect on you or anyone around you. Usually it hurts and it can easily mess with your confidence. My only advice is to feel more confident about yourself and stop being embarrassed.

I think something I regret was when someone I use to fling with met my father and my stepmother. I was embarrassed because they were both overweight and not nearly as well off as his parents were. His family was a healthy bunch and mine ordered pizza at least once a week. I was actually ashamed. And truthfully, I'm ashamed of myself for being ashamed! But not anymore. For one thing, it was a long time ago--it's over and done with. Second off, I know better now than to be ashamed of my parents. They reared me into the individual I am today. I grew up in above average homes, they always had dinner on the table, and they supported me 90% of the time when I needed it. Just because they're overweight doesn't mean that skinnier people are better than them. It can be unhealthy to be skinny, too! But let's move on.

I've learned that when I'm embarrassed or ashamed of myself, my confidence is busted and I get in a grouchy mood. That makes my scores go down, my self-esteem go down, and also the way I treat others around me becomes worse. There are no benefits to these mindsets. And when you're embarrassed of someone else, imagine if they knew that. That could hurt them so much that now their confidence is ruined, and it could easily be a lasting impact. Especially if it's someone you're close to, because let's face it--no one should be ashamed of someone that person loves and adores and cares for. You can't tell your boyfriend or girlfriend you love them more than anything and they're the best thing to ever happen to you, and then never introduce him or her to your parents. That could easily ruin your relationship and could ruin his or her self-esteem. Is it really worth it?

Always appreciate what you have. Don't take it for granted and then be ashamed of it when you mess up or it's all out in the open. Be proud of who are you, what you love to do, and who you love. These three things are one of the most important things to always remember--and it's one of the very first steps to acceptance of yourself and those around you.