Sweet Disposition

Let me tell you, things have been going downhill for so long I started to think of it all as normal. I didn't have a job for awhile, I was always sick because quitting smoking is a lot harder than I anticipated it to be. My relationship with my family was just downright depressing and I was really lost. I didn't know what to do with myself--I just busied myself with my social life, partying, having fun, and forgetting I was even in high school. However, on the last weekend of winter break, I finally was able to recognize how low I hit. My grades were dropping, I was barely submitting college applications on time, and showered maybe once every two days. I was a wreck. I am a wreck. But I'm stepping up, again. And this time, I can definitely see what is in my future and I know I'm going to finally be able to tell everyone, "I beat them." 

You know I've never let people really bring me down. If someone tells me I'm not going to make it, I brush them off to the side. I cut ties with people that send me so much negative energy. But when it gets to the point that people tell me I'm not going to make it, with worry and sadness in their faces, it really hits me. I realized today especially, that I'm actually worrying people. I'm worrying my friends, my family, my teachers. Is this really what I've become? 

I'm sure there are many others that have been in my position, have been on both sides maybe. It's just so sad because I have honestly worked so hard for where I want to go in life. I've buckled down and cut ties with most of my friends purely for the sake of my schoolwork and my future. Why can't I do it now? Part of me reasons it's because most of my close friends now have graduated high school--they remind me so much of the freedom that I yearn for, telling me it's so close, it's right there. But the other half of me says, Hey, isn't that a distraction? Shouldn't you at least lessen your time with them so you can actually make it to that point? I was having such a hard time doing so--these people made me feel alive again, made me feel loved and appreciated, even if that isn't what it really is at all. But one thing I do know is that they support me, and I know they will understand if I spend way less time with them. Every decision I make now weighs very heavily on my future--one screw-up and I'm done for. Is that really what I have worked so hard for all of my life? To waste it all, and just go nowhere? 

My serious advice to everyone is that you MUST learn to recognize all of those negative energies in your life and find a way to cut ties with them as long as you're absolutely benefiting yourself. Do not let a single soul tell you you won't make it to where you're dying to be. I realized I hit rock bottom when I was kicked out--I realized, Wow, I'm kind of alone right now. I need a job. I need to actually go to school and go to college. And that's what I'm doing. I have my job back, I'm working better already to do well in school, and I just now told a friend I couldn't hang out with her tonight because I had school in the morning and needed to do some work. I graduate in less than six months. I'm almost completely out of Lynchburg and ready to live my life to the fullest.

And you know what, yeah, high school is pretty stupid. You're there to learn a lot of things you won't find useful in the future, you make friends you'll never speak to again once you're graduated, and you take such an emotional beating that just getting out of bed to face the day becomes hard. But, a lot of those subjects you learn help you become more well-rounded and widen your horizons on certain tastes, those friends help you develop into the individual you later become, and the emotional beating teaches you many fine lessons about life. High school is silly, but important, and I'm not happy with myself for taking it for granted as much as I did. I remember I used to almost enjoy high school until my senior year. I guess senioritis really is a real thing. But we all eventually get through it, and it really does benefit us all.

So please, take my advice if you're in my position. As much fun as partying and not attending school is, you need it. And also, you need to believe in yourself, and make sure that others believe in you as well. But if they don't, that gives you all the more reason to persevere your dreams and show them that you're better. You must dispose of all negative energies and try to be happy, and as hard as it can be sometimes, you can definitely do it. Dispose of bad decisions and actions, of bad people, and you're own disheartening thoughts and words towards of yourself. All of this will eventually give you the chance to finally find your happiness and pursue everything you dream of becoming. 

Dancing to Another Tune (with YCC)

First, I would like to apologize for my lack of maintenance and posts. It's been almost five months--truthfully, I've either been too busy or too lazy. This will most likely be a long post, so get yourself comfortable.

This summer I worked as a crewmember for Virginia State Parks Youth Conservation Corps. And in all of its cliche, it was one of the most incredible experiences of my lifetime. See, YCC was all about bringing strangers together for one cause--bettering the state park and the environment. I learned so much down there and I wish to share these with you.

There were thirteen of us, ages 14-21. We had no cellphones, no laptops or internet, no Netflix. Nothing. Those three weeks were purely spent on working and learning to grow with absolute strangers and become a family. But let me tell you, that first week was god-awful. We were fighting, talking behind each others' backs, spreading lies. The worst part was that we would pretend everything was alright when in reality, we wanted nothing more than to go home. None of us were happy. But after that first week, we laid down all of our grievances, started a clean slate, and had a decent second week. There were still problems, but we made it through. And that last week... I don't believe I've ever grown closer to anyone than I had to those girls. It was the time of my life. Working with them, pouring our lives to each other, clucking in the middle of the night to see if someone else was awake--it was beautiful. It was real. We'd talk about our problems, our past lovers, our hard lives back at home. We'd share embarrassing stories by campfires or scare each other silly. 

I learned a great deal down there. I learned that for one, you should never take your friends and family for granted. Because once you leave them, be it for three weeks or three years, you will spend the longest time telling yourself that you should have done this, you should have been there when that person needed you most, you should have appreciated that person and cared for them while you had the chance. Leaving my friends was hard, leaving my dog was harder, and leaving my family was tough, but nice at the beginning--let's face it, all of us need a break from our families once in a while.

And that was part of the reason why I applied for the job. I wanted to get away, I needed to breathe and get to know myself more and learn more about what I want to spend my future doing--saving the environment. And it was wonderful. Every single day after work I would go sit outside by the old shed and write in my journal for at least one hour--be it songs, four page journal entries, or letters. It helped me cope with being unhappy at first, it was my escape from everyone. I had time for my own thoughts, asking myself why am I here? Where will I go? Am I happy? 

And I was happy. I am happy. When I was left behind on long bike rides I would sometimes just take a minute to stop, look around, breathe in the fresh, clean air, and appreciate all of what this beautiful earth has provided for me and imagine all of the things I look so forward to do to give back. 

Two days before we left, my supervisor and bunkmate asked me to go on a run with them--given the fact that I am no runner and my supervisor was a marathon runner and the other a cross-country runner. One of the girls to whom I grew closest to ran with me. They told us they would go ahead twenty minutes and then come back to run with us back home. Well, three hours and seven miles later, no one in sight, the state park police picked us up and said everyone was looking for my friend and I and that Cassie and Desiree (the girls who asked me to run with them) were already home and had been for two hours. It was confusing and we will never really know what happened that day, but when we arrived home to girls crying, bringing us water, hugging us--I realized these girls were my family and I would do anything for them. And as I sit here typing this, now crying, I wish more than anything to go back and to tell every single one of them how much I adored them and how much I miss them. Because they all taught me one of the greatest lessons of all.

And that's teamwork. I realized then and there that it's not always about me--it's about everyone. We were forced to become close, to lessen the tension at breakfast in the mornings, to lift 200 pound timbers together without breaking someone's foot or hand. But after awhile, we loved it. Our supervisors would have to yell at us because we didn't want to go to sleep; we just wanted to keep talking and keep learning more and more. We loved each other and I know those girls won't forget our times together those three weeks. Because we became a family. Our supervisors were like our older sisters, and it felt that way to them instead of our babysitters. 

It was the time of my life. I'll never forget the looks on all of our faces as we tubed down the river with the sun burning us alive, or the time we went to Cookout and could have clogged all of Foster Falls. How  happy one of them looked when we tried to teach her how to swim, or when I beat them every single time we played Egyptian Rat Screw. We were beautiful and we were infinite, and as much as I longed to go home, I realized that last day that I would never be able to have something like that again. 

So, with this post, I tell you all to go out there and be who you are and learn to love strangers and appreciate and hold the ones you have. We are all interconnected in some way, and once we open ourselves, it is like discovering the caves of our souls and how we are meant to be--how we want to be. Go for your dreams and your life aspirations. You will find happiness and you will discover inner peace. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

P.S. Tiara, Olivia, Gaby, Desiree, Evelina, Kaija, Amena, Sidney, Natassia, Cassie, Mary-Ellen, and Jade... if any of you are reading this, always know that I will always remember you and keep our memories with me forever, and that you all were such a huge part of my life. Thank you so much.

The Modern Age

What I  want to discuss is very general, and I can thank my boyfriend for this entry. Sometimes, he and I will be sitting outside in complete silence under the stars (I know, cliche as all get out) and he'll ask me, "Why is life so complex?" or, "There are seven billion people in the world--why does one person and what that person does matter so much?" And when I answer him, he looks at me as if I was the wisest person he had ever met.

There are three different types of people of this generation: those who party, lose themselves under the influence, don't have a care for school or their future; those who waste hours lost in their own minds, constantly over-thinking, yet oversimplifying everything, love tenderly and wastefully, and are open-minded to the point where it feels like there are no wrongs; and then there are a mix of the two. I have noticed this with every person I meet that they absolutely always fall into one of those categories. Of course, though I am contradicting myself, everyone truly is unique, even in the slightest, minutest way. I am just simplifying things.

 When my boyfriend asks me why life is so complex, all I have to say is that it really isn't all so intricate--if we take out all the worries, all the expectations, all the troubles, we have a very simple form left. This form of life is delicate, but sturdier than steel and can take on a beating never seen before. Life is complex, however, because we make it that way. We let our past haunt us and our future peck at us until there's nothing left but bones. Why do we do this? Is it because of what has been drilled into our heads of what a successful and fulfilling life is? Or is it because it's what we secretly like, despite the heartache and pain?

It is questions like these that help me try to understand why our generation is so different. Most of us have survived enticing indoctrination and have learned to think for ourselves--and I thank the good earth for that everyday. Most of us have beaten peer pressure and if we are condemned for our actions, at least we did them not because we wanted to be cool, but because we sincerely wanted to and knew it would help us or make us feel  better (please do not assume I am essentially speaking of drugs and alcohol). I believe this generation has more of a sense of individuality and independence ever seen since the late 60s. The problem is that we are suffocated and that is why life seems so difficult even at such a young age.

Teenagers tend to make decisions based on their situation. I know several that get drunk because they want a relief from all the schoolwork, and I know several that get drunk because they are unhappy. I look at people who smoke weed (and by the way, I do not look down upon anyone who does these things since three fourths of the population does anyways) as, for lack of a better term, afraid of reality. They need an escape. I look at those who smoke tobacco and I think, "These people recognize death and life's limits and do not fear wholly." Obviously my perspective is probably drastically different from yours and his and hers but it's what I think and it's how I view life from the outside. But what do I see from the inside? What does anyone see from the inside? Do we see hate, lust, gluttony? Or love, kindness, and gratitude? This is why life is so difficult. There are so many things to be put into consideration that we become confused, flustered, and often lost in our ways.

When he asked me why one person matters so much I always say the same thing: That person, no matter who he or she was, had an enormous impact on someone else's life. We all affect each other. I know I have personally had big impacts on people, whether through my kindness, my envy, or my love. To a parent, his or her child is typically what has affected him or her most and vice versa. We are all important. We all have that one person we will remember for the rest of our lives and replay memories of them in our heads for years to come. And all of this ties into the complexity of life.

Now, obviously I'm no philosopher. I'm only seventeen and my outlook on this world will almost inevitably change. I am not wise, I am not experienced, and I am not convinced of myself. All of this just happened to weigh on my mind and I wanted to share. I have no closing advice or tips.

You've Got a Friend in Me

From what I've experienced lately, finding out that someone you have cared dearly for and appreciated has actually pretended to be your friend is overwhelmingly disheartening. Especially in high school, friendships are a crucial part of life; they're what help you get through your troubles when you have no one to turn to and you just can't go to your family for. But they're not forever, and that's a fact.

On New Years' Eve, I found out that one of my closest friends of three years and also my neighbor only considers us "friends because we're neighbors." When I heard that, I was absolutely shocked. Someone who I had cared for dearly, someone who I had spent time with constantly, someone who I had appreciated and a friendship that I put so much effort into because I adored her; it all meant absolutely nothing to her. Surprisingly, though, I wasn't really upset. I just felt betrayed and embarrassed because she completely fooled me into believing she was a good friend.

Ever since, I've been happier. Weird, right? But I've been happy because it helped me realize who my true friends are and that not everyone deserves my unconditional love, care, and appreciation like I originally thought. Truthfully, it's hard to find someone and be able to have the chance of being friends with them for so long. Let's face it, life isn't all that short, it's long as all get out. 

One person you will always have no matter what--and no, it's not your mother--is yourself. You will always be your own best friend because you know how to make yourself happy when you're down and you know what's best for you, despite what people like to believe. Sometimes, even telling stories to yourself in the mirror is a totally reasonable way to vent out your emotions; you can't embarrass yourself in front of yourself and you can't be weirded out and choose not to hang out with yourself anymore.

I know this sounds crazy, but it's completely true. It's just always good to understand that when you feel like the whole world is against you and you have no one to turn to--you always have yourself. And eventually, those beautiful, ever-lasting friendships will develop and you'll be happier than ever. Just make sure that you're not wasting your precious energy, love, effort, and time to those who don't deserve someone as beautiful and wonderful as you are. 

Breaking Out of Your Shell

I think one of the things that affected me the most was being too scared to do something different. To break out of my shell and have fun, have some (positive) experiences, get involved in new (legal) activities. This was something that stopped me from doing a lot of things I wish I had done when I had the chance. 

Personally, I believe that people don't do a lot of things they want to do because they're worried about what people will think, or how silly they'll look. I know a lot of people won't try out for a sports team because they feel like those who have been on it all of high school and playing for years will look down on them and judge them. Some may not want to reveal that they can sing because all their lives they've been pretending they can't, leaving people to believe they're god-awful.

Is that really how people want to live their lives?

I know from personal experiences that breaking out of my shell has left me feeling great and with such a positive attitude. I've met new people, I've had my perspective on a lot of situations altered, and now I'm writing a blog that I'm (still) worried will never make much of a difference to anyone--but it makes me happy. In fact a couple weeks ago, I gave someone from one of the other ACE teams my school competes against my number for the very first time in my life. Sure, it didn't go anywhere with him, but now I have the confidence to make such a move. Yes, that's a pretty bad example of bursting the bubble, but my confidence, self-esteem, and attitude have been upped and that always makes a difference. 

So break out of your shell, even if it's just for once. Ask that girl out, try out for that sports team, audition for that talent show--show the world what you're really made of and don't be worried about what they'll think, because in the end, it's only what you think that matters. Just be wise in your decisions.